Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Say Goodbye to the Bitch

This past summer I went through one of the toughest periods I've ever experienced. I spent a week in the hospital, fought not to go into Hospice, and had to work my little butt off to, well, NOT DIE. To the outer eye, I remained fairly positive throughout. There are those, that I hurt during this period, and for that I am truly sorry. I think that I had been in a poor place for awhile, ever since my failed Portland trip, and everything just went to hell in a hand basket after that. 

The hospital, not a fun place. What most people don't realize is that I actually spent a day and a half there, then totally flipped out on the nurses and threatened homicidal action if they didn't take the IV out of my hand and let me go. Unfortunately, two days later my symptoms were much worse, and in the middle of the night I had a cryfest on the sofa with my Dad where he insisted I go back to the hospital. I KNEW it was the right choice, but emotionally I didn't know that I could survive it. I really had to dig deep for that one. I attribute my recent Spirit Junkie Adventure to keeping me at least partially sane and alive during that week that I spent in the hospital. You don't sleep in the hospital. Every four hours they wake you up to check your vitals, which since you are on an IV drip that makes you pee, you are up every 30-45 minutes anyway. So exhaustion sets in which always makes me cranky. There is an IV sticking out of your arm, you have to take meds, every morning at flippin' 5am they come in for a blood test. Who thought that was a good time? Breakfast starts at 7am, so, you're up! The food is terrible and you have to rely on others to provide something better. I did get a fairly swank room, which helped tremendously. You get daily visits from doctors, nurses, the people who run tests on you, and along with that comes the speech. They let me know I only have a few weeks to live, I really should look into hospice, do I want to be revived if I stop breathing or go into a coma. DAILY BY MULTIPLE PEOPLE. Now, over the years I've learned to hear "blah, blah, blah", but even I after awhile have a hard time not taking at least some of that bullshit in. And when you are tired, and you just shit on yourself because you couldn't roll to the bathroom in gets to you. 

The best moments were visits from friends. You have no idea how much that meant to me, and a surprise visit from an old high school chum....I am so incredibly moved. I have am incredibly grateful. After my release, I had some friends come up from St. Louis, and really, I just wasn't ready. I was tired and confused and having nightmares from the hospital and I said some pretty vicious things, which I didn't even remember the next morning. I know I have other people that I was rude to, that I want to send out apologies for, and if I consciously know I was a bitch, I will contact you personally. I'm sure there are others that I didn't even realize I treated poorly. 

At the end of October my Dad and I visited the Harry Potter Theme Park, one of my wishlist items. I realized then how short I was, impatient, rude. I also realized that although I surpassed my "few weeks" mark by months, I still needed to improve. The fact that I had to be wheeled around the entire trip, through the airport, the theme park, and that I was given a handicap parking pass by my doctor prior, well, it really hit me I needed to get over my shit and heal. So when I returned from vacation, I did a lot of soul searching, and I started on green smoothies, coffee enemas, and detox baths. Within days I had more energy and clarity. I improved my diet, I started to be able to move around better. I was able to do things around the house myself. My attitude changed and I became peaceful and happy. My mind became clear and suddenly I was a writing fool! I couldn't get the ideas out of my head fast enough. I had energy to burn. I started a new supplement plan. I turned it around and life has been so beautiful since. 

This month there will be cookies, but sticking with the smoothies and enemas and supplements to help balance out the holiday goodies. I'm throwing a Holiday Bash and thinking of applying for a part time job at the new Cafe Gratitude after the first of the year. I've also starting seriously working on my book, been reading again, and plan on hitting up a knitting store after the 1st and getting started on a project. I also have plans to visit New York City at the end of April. I am thrilled to say goodbye to misery and the bitch, and grab a hold of my Spirit Junkie lessons and focus on love and gratitude and forgiveness. And of course, healing my body.

To all my supporters, I love you dearly and I thank you for standing by me through the good, and the bad times. 



  1. This is awesome and just what I needed to hear right now! I too have been this bitch and in a very bad space both emotionally and physically. My relationship has gone to shit and I am moving out in two days. I know it is the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier or any less overwhelming. Luckily I too have had such good friends there by my side to support me and listen to me complain. YOU ROCK! Keep on rocking your healthy vibes and mental attitude and stay healthy my friend. I will keep faithfully following your posts.
    Laura "The Cancer Assassin"

    p.s. Cancer Can Suck It!

  2. Shanna, I think this is the best post I've read from you in a while. Because it's real. Because you are real. It's a reminder of humanity and a reminder to me as well that everyone has their down times and their up times. Everyone has to figure out who they are. No one is immune - to anything. Thanks for reminding me of that. Thank you for your honesty.

  3. Aww Shanna! When we are sick and not at our best, it's hard not to be a b but know that we understand and love you. Coming to the hospital to support you and letting you know that you are thought of and loved was important to me to show you. You were not a b to. You are an inspiration and when I see where you are now compared to than (physically), it touches my heart.

  4. Thank you everyone. I really needed to say this, but wasn't sure how people would respond. I am so grateful for all your supportive comments. And yeah, CANCER CAN SUCK IT!! Love it :)

  5. I wish you lots and lots of blessings and happiness


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