Oh how fearful and ugly the Ego can be sometimes. As my Reiki cleanse ends (thank the Universe!), I've had some feelings come up that I haven't experience for quite awhile. A few day ago I started researching my 30 Things before my birthday, one of those being "go to a shooting range." I googled shooting ranges and started doing some research and my Ego started screaming, judging, freaking out. All I could think about is "What was I thinking? Shooting range? Those places are filled with crazy NRA-er's, psychopaths the lot of them! Blech!!!" After about an hour of this I stood back and just took it in. I was angry, scared, and just horrible. What the heck got into me? My ego, that's what, amplified and going nuts.
A few days later my Dad told me I needed to get started on our 2011 company budget, and we would be meeting with corporate office this week to do some planning. I immediately flashed back to last year, and how angry and disappointed I was with the fella from corporate that "helped" us with last years budget. The guy clearly just wanted to get his job done and make our budget look "pretty" for his superiors, rather than helping us make it accurate and useful, so I ended up redoing a lot of it. The same guy is supposed to be meeting with us again and all I can think of is; I WANT TO MAKE HIM WEEP!! Yes, I want to put on my stilettos, break out my leather whip, and bring this man to his knees. Just thinking of it gives me happy tingles all throughout my body. Where's the love and humanity and gratitude in this emotion? I admit, I used to relish the opportunity to put someone in their place; I enjoyed firing people and have literally made grown men cry. However, that's past Shanna, right?
This is the deal, we do all of this work, this development, but the fact is, that we are still human. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, and that doesn't mean ignoring the darker feelings, or necessarily not having them at all. It just means that as we do this work, focus on gratitude, create love lists, recognize that all living creatures are connected, we may have fewer moments where the Ego takes over, but we do not erase it completely. Also, learning to recognize those feelings when they arise, and rather than ignoring or pushing them down, experience them. Just let the feeling happen, then take a deep breath, do some gratitude statements, and realize that the fear is your Ego talking, not your inner guide.
So how am I dealing with my judgements and power trips? By recognizing them, blessing those NRA ladies and gents, blessing the budget man, and realizing that there is nothing wrong with having different perspectives. By opening myself to the Universe, I know I will find a peaceful way to experience both situations. By the way, being peaceful, doesn't mean being a doormat. It simply means going into a situation with openness, but you still have every right to stand up for yourself if the situation calls for it. But entering a situation with fear and anger will ensure that it turns ugly.