My Kripalu Spirit Junkie Adventure

This past weekend I went to a beautiful yoga and health resort in the Berkshires of Massachusetts called Kripalu. I went to see ~ing diva Gabrielle Bernstein. I had applied for a scholarship earlier this summer, and low and behold, they selected me! My seminar and room and board were paid in full, and Gabby even helped with the flight. Now, if you've been following along, just two weeks ago I was told to prepare for hospice care, I could barely move, my body was shutting down, etc. So how on earth did I have the energy to maneuver my way through four airports and a large resort? Willpower baby! Since my Cancer Update post, I've started a new program (which I describe here) that has given me energy, more strength, and better breathing ability. I also knew that I NEEDED this experience. Part of my challenge with healing myself is that there has always been this little piece (ok, so it was GIANT in the beginning) that wants to die. I needed this experience to help motivate me and eliminate that piece. Right before I left, my Mom and her friend Kelly brought over a beautiful shaman named Rainbow Moon who helped me shift that piece. I resisted like crazy at first, but we did some powerful work, learning to connect and identify with the inner spirit self (a major theme to this workshop) and to silence the ego. The persona I created for my Spirit is a cross between Xena Warrior Princess and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She's a kick ass courageous warrior goddess who loves life and is a powerful healer. My Ego, computer dork. Who do you think is going to win in a showdown? Shanna Warrior Princess that's who!

So I had this understanding of my ~ing and Ego before going to the workshop. The workshop was called "Spirit Junkie" partially in honor of Gabby's new book out next month. She also recently released a Spirit Junkie meditation album, which has some great, and short, meditations. You can download from her site here. Anyway, I had an amazing weekend. We had orientation with a Q&A on Friday night, workshop most of Saturday, with time for other activities such as yoga, swimming, hiking (none of which I did) for those that could. I spent my free time journaling. Sunday morning we did a lot of group prayer, danced things out, and learned how to pass the lessons on to others. I met so many beautiful people who I hope to develop even stronger relationships with.

Some of the lessons I took from this experience:

1. The ~Ing and the Ego. Learn to recognize when your Ego is giving you shit, feel it, then let your ~ing guide you to a better place. Your Ego is the one that tells you that you can't do something, you are ugly, things are not going to work out, etc. Your ~ing supports your decisions, lets you know what a beautiful person you are. Which voice would you rather listen to? Remember, the computer dork is never going to be stronger than the Warrior Goddess. 
2. De-Special Relationships. Sometimes we make someone more important than us. It could be a boyfriend, your kids, a celebrity. Remember, we are all one, all equal. No one is better than you, and you are not better than anyone else. If you are making someone more special than you, sit down and find out why? Then find that strength in yourself. And realize that we are all human, with human limitations, even the most perfect seeming people have their issues and imperfections. You are a beautiful spirit; don't forget that. 
3. The F-Word. Forgiveness is such an important topic. I blogged about it previously here. I learned this weekend though that forgiveness is an ongoing process. There are always new issues that come up. Gabby has a great forgiveness meditation. I recommend writing a letter to the person or situation you need to forgive. Get nasty, let it all out. Then, finish the letter by forgiving the person/situation. I would then do the Forgiveness meditation from Gabby's Spirit Junkie Meditation CD, and then the Cord-Cutting Meditation. I suggest cord-cutting, because even after forgiving, we can still be "attached" to that person. This cuts any negative binds. Then, I would burn the letter and send the ashes off into the Universe. Forgiveness is the first step in any form of healing and growth. 

Overall, an incredible experience. I am re-motivated to work on my Ego and ~Ing, and now I have a posse of Spirit Junkie ladies to aid me with this. I am grateful to have had this experience and look forward to my continued growth and emotional, physical, and spiritual healing.

Refocusing: Letting Go and Letting Love

Last night I read Mathew and Terces from Cafe Gratitude's new book Kindred Spirit and was completely moved by the experience.  While reading a passage regarding how the Ego can create stories that are not necessarily true, especially in relationships, I began crying, real tears. Now, those that know me will realize what a rarity this is. I do not cry, especially sitting home alone.  But last night, I shed a few tears and immediately my Ego jumped in and said "You are ridiculous!".  Yikes! I realized in that moment that instead of being in a state of letting go and being love, I was trapped in a place of being control and showing any emotion outside of that control was "being ridiculous."  Over the past few years, as I've continued to heal, I sometimes have moments where I get frustrated. What else is there for me to learn, to do, in order to release this cancer and live a fully healthy life? I realized last night that while I've done quite a bit of work, my focus has been more on reading about exercises or writing about healing tools, rather than the implementation.  And while I have done many exercises, as soon as that Ego pops in with the control, I stop letting go, and stop making progress.  Therefore, I'm starting fresh, breaking out all my workbooks, healing tools, etc. and telling my Ego that it's time to let go and be love.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to get up a bit earlier, begin my day with meditation, a green smoothie, journal free write and yoga.  Once I'm balanced, I'll be able to work on my writing throughout the day, and take small breaks to do some EFT, Reiki, Healing Codes, etc. and make sure that I focus on at least one emotional exercise each day, and by golly if crying is required, I'm just going to have to let go and get over it. This will be difficult for me, but I feel positive and I know that in reality, being love, asking for forgiveness, apologizing, blessing others and expressing gratitude is a daily practice, and one that will make me into a even happier and spiritually balance, physically healthy person than I am today. 

I am amazed when I look back and see how far I've come, but it's time to heal this attachment to cancer, and be a daily example of Kindred Spirit.

Namaste

Releasing Romantic Illusions

I've discussed Gabrielle Bernstein's book Add More ~Ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness in previous posts. She has a social networking site for women called Her Future, where each month we have been focusing on a different chapter in her book. I've posted previously on Feel~ings, Forgiveness, Balancing and Mirroring, and this month's chapter focuses on relationships.

First, you need to honor your relationship with self. If you are not truly in love with yourself, you cannot possibly share love with another. A Course in Miracles (preface) states "...We seek in others what is wanting in ourselves. We 'love' another in order to get something ourselves. That, in fact, is what passes for love in the dream world. There can be no greater mistake than that, for love is incapable of asking for anything. Only minds can really join, and whom God has joined no man can put asunder." Essentially you must be love, otherwise, you will constantly be seeking people to fill your gaps, and that is not healthy or truly spiritual love. This is true of all relationships, not just romantic relationships. Spend time loving yourself, you are worth it.

Gabrielle also discusses "special relationships" in this chapter. Often times we place more importance on romantic relationships, than we do on friendships or even family. This imbalance can cause challenges in our romantic relationship because we are not in balance. By making that relationship more "special" than the others, we are essentially putting pressure on that person to fill our needs in a way that no one person can. Our relationship with self, friends, and family are equally important, and we need to release the need to make one person or relationship more special or important than another. Take time to find the love in all your relationships, and see how each and every person is special to you in their own way. You will strengthen all your relationships by experiencing them equally.

Releasing Exercises:
1. Make a list of your meaningful relationships, past and present. Write the story of each one, how it started/ended/the experience/etc. Release any nastiness that your ego is holding onto.
2. Make a list of how your partner makes you feel joy; or if single, how you would want a partner to make you feel joy.
3. Make a Love List and focus on the areas in your life where love shines. Focus on at least one thing that allows love to shine in your life each day.

The more you release the fears of the ego, the more love you will feel and the more you will attract loving healthy relationships into your life. When you feel ready to add a romantic relationship to your life, make a list of qualities you are looking for in a partner. Be specific, what is his personality like? His hobbies, skills, interests? His Spiritual beliefs? Does he love to travel and in what fashion? Write the story of your perfect partner, but keep in mind that creating a clone of you does not leave room for personal growth and will likely be boring very quickly.  Write your perfect partner story, and read it to yourself each day. Then share it with everyone you can. People have manifested beautiful relationships using this method. Write the story as if he is already there, for example, "My partner is full of gratitude, loves to garden, and is an expect on roses." Write in present tense, the Universe only understands NOW! I believe you could use this technique to attract friendships as well. Love yourself and the rest will follow.

Love and Gratitude


Shanna

Ego-Trippin' Down Judgement Lane

Oh how fearful and ugly the Ego can be sometimes. As my Reiki cleanse ends (thank the Universe!), I've had some feelings come up that I haven't experience for quite awhile. A few day ago I started researching my 30 Things before my birthday, one of those being "go to a shooting range."  I googled shooting ranges and started doing some research and my Ego started screaming, judging, freaking out. All I could think about is "What was I thinking? Shooting range? Those places are filled with crazy NRA-er's, psychopaths the lot of them! Blech!!!"  After about an hour of this I stood back and just took it in. I was angry, scared, and just horrible. What the heck got into me? My ego, that's what, amplified and going nuts.

A few days later my Dad told me I needed to get started on our 2011 company budget, and we would be meeting with corporate office this week to do some planning. I immediately flashed back to last year, and how angry and disappointed I was with the fella from corporate that "helped" us with last years budget. The guy clearly just wanted to get his job done and make our budget look "pretty" for his superiors, rather than helping us make it accurate and useful, so I ended up redoing a lot of it. The same guy is supposed to be meeting with us again and all I can think of is; I WANT TO MAKE HIM WEEP!! Yes, I want to put on my stilettos, break out my leather whip, and bring this man to his knees. Just thinking of it gives me happy tingles all throughout my body. Where's the love and humanity and gratitude in this emotion? I admit, I used to relish the opportunity to put someone in their place; I enjoyed firing people and have literally made grown men cry. However, that's past Shanna, right?

This is the deal, we do all of this work, this development, but the fact is, that we are still human. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, and that doesn't mean ignoring the darker feelings, or necessarily not having them at all. It just means that as we do this work, focus on gratitude, create love lists, recognize that all living creatures are connected, we may have fewer moments where the Ego takes over, but we do not erase it completely. Also, learning to recognize those feelings when they arise, and rather than ignoring or pushing them down, experience them. Just let the feeling happen, then take a deep breath, do some gratitude statements, and realize that the fear is your Ego talking, not your inner guide.

So how am I dealing with my judgements and power trips? By recognizing them, blessing those NRA ladies and gents, blessing the budget man, and realizing that there is nothing wrong with having different perspectives.  By opening myself to the Universe, I know I will find a peaceful way to experience both situations.  By the way, being peaceful, doesn't mean being a doormat. It simply means going into a situation with openness, but you still have every right to stand up for yourself if the situation calls for it.  But entering a situation with fear and anger will ensure that it turns ugly.