Friday, July 30, 2010


Check out Her Future and Gabrielle Berstein’s book ADD MORE ing TO YOUR LIFE: A Hip Guide to Happiness. This book has been an inspiration to me. The first chapter is on Feel~ings and includes meditations and exercises to release. She has an online book club at Her Future to support all the ladies on their own ~ing journey.

I’ve been tuning into the amazing feel~ing posts on Her Future this past month. Feelings have always been a challenge for me. I don’t remember that last time I cried, (ok, so I cried when Buffy died at the end of Season 5); I’m not sure I’ve ever cried alone. When I was 19, I started cutting to feel. I cut regularly for about 4 years, until one night, even that didn’t penetrate my emptiness. New Years Eve, lying on the floor of my dear friend’s bathroom; I had just cut myself over 100 times, and I felt nothing…nothing. In that moment I knew that things had to change, I couldn’t continue like this. If I couldn’t learn to feel than my only choice was to “check out.” Cancer is a gift, an opportunity to learn, to explore my ~ing (inner guidance system) and understand these things we call feelings. I have experienced more joy, love, gratitude, forgiveness, bliss, and much more these past five years, than in any year since childhood. I’m still learning how to distinguish my feelings from pure thought, something I’ve found challenging. This is my ~ing write from last weekend:

Saturday July 24, 2010 ~Ing Write

Am I turned off? New potential fellow has many of the qualities and personality that I have on my list, attractive, big doggie lover, but I’m not sure I feel more than kindness/friendship. Where are my feelings of desire/passion? I had that somewhat with the ex, but things were/are better for us as friends. Am I creating that friendship and communication are more important than passionate romance? Am I making up that passion and sex will corrupt the compassionate friendship of the relationship? Is new potential fellow really just a platonic relationship or am I making up that he can only be platonic? What are my actual feelings? Am I blocking feeling? How can I release this? What do I feel? How do I feel?

Last night I had a terrible headache, and my ~ing (inner guidance system) told me that I was blocking some feelings. I put on my headphones and did Gabrielle Bernstein’s “Feel~ing” and “Forgiveness” meditations and a Ho’oponono releasing meditation that my Mom had email me. Immediately I felt much better, and after a little nap, my headache was gone, and emotionally I felt satisfied.

Holding things in, blocking the ability to feel, these “tools” do not make the feelings go away. They just penetrate deep, and if not dealt with, manifest physically, a la heinous cancerous tumors. I’m just beginning this portion of my journey, but I know that releasing is an important step to healing. Now, if only I could FEEL it too!

medium from gabriellebernstein on Vimeo.


  1. "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die..."
    They remain very much alive in your body affecting every aspect of your life. Dig them up expose them to the light and watch them disappear!

  2. Sending you so much love. It's so brave of you to share that. I too love the Ho'ponopono prayer and find it so healing. Thank-you for this post :)

  3. Feelings ARE really hard. I still have issues distinguishing what I'm really feeling a lot of the time. There are times I don't even realize I'm happy/sad/upset/frustrated until after it's over and I look back on things. I rely on my reactions to situations a lot to judge how I really feel. Sometimes I'll even imagine a situation to see how I react.

    Of course, I also sometimes have overwhelming feelings. I will say that I didn't start out feeling passionate about CD. I had to really get to know him first. And our mutual interests, his openness, etc. increased my feelings from platonic like to much more.


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