Feel~ings

Check out Her Future and Gabrielle Berstein’s book ADD MORE ing TO YOUR LIFE: A Hip Guide to Happiness. This book has been an inspiration to me. The first chapter is on Feel~ings and includes meditations and exercises to release. She has an online book club at Her Future to support all the ladies on their own ~ing journey.




I’ve been tuning into the amazing feel~ing posts on Her Future this past month. Feelings have always been a challenge for me. I don’t remember that last time I cried, (ok, so I cried when Buffy died at the end of Season 5); I’m not sure I’ve ever cried alone. When I was 19, I started cutting to feel. I cut regularly for about 4 years, until one night, even that didn’t penetrate my emptiness. New Years Eve, lying on the floor of my dear friend’s bathroom; I had just cut myself over 100 times, and I felt nothing…nothing. In that moment I knew that things had to change, I couldn’t continue like this. If I couldn’t learn to feel than my only choice was to “check out.” Cancer is a gift, an opportunity to learn, to explore my ~ing (inner guidance system) and understand these things we call feelings. I have experienced more joy, love, gratitude, forgiveness, bliss, and much more these past five years, than in any year since childhood. I’m still learning how to distinguish my feelings from pure thought, something I’ve found challenging. This is my ~ing write from last weekend:



Saturday July 24, 2010 ~Ing Write

Am I turned off? New potential fellow has many of the qualities and personality that I have on my list, attractive, big doggie lover, but I’m not sure I feel more than kindness/friendship. Where are my feelings of desire/passion? I had that somewhat with the ex, but things were/are better for us as friends. Am I creating that friendship and communication are more important than passionate romance? Am I making up that passion and sex will corrupt the compassionate friendship of the relationship? Is new potential fellow really just a platonic relationship or am I making up that he can only be platonic? What are my actual feelings? Am I blocking feeling? How can I release this? What do I feel? How do I feel?


Last night I had a terrible headache, and my ~ing (inner guidance system) told me that I was blocking some feelings. I put on my headphones and did Gabrielle Bernstein’s “Feel~ing” and “Forgiveness” meditations and a Ho’oponono releasing meditation that my Mom had email me. Immediately I felt much better, and after a little nap, my headache was gone, and emotionally I felt satisfied.


Holding things in, blocking the ability to feel, these “tools” do not make the feelings go away. They just penetrate deep, and if not dealt with, manifest physically, a la heinous cancerous tumors. I’m just beginning this portion of my journey, but I know that releasing is an important step to healing. Now, if only I could FEEL it too!




medium from gabriellebernstein on Vimeo.

Existing's Tricky

"existing's tricky: but to live's a gift" This quote by poet e e cummings epitomizes my comprehension of life as I know it. I spent a good part of my youth existing, day in, day out, merely a shelf of a human being. I registered zilch on the emotional spectrum and actually spent several years in my early twenties cutting myself in an attempt to feel anything at all. Then came cancer, an answer to my prayers, or so I thought. A guilt-free way out of my existence. Seeing the fear and pain in my normally happy-go-lucky father made me reconsider this thing we call life. Could I truly grab life by the hand and really live? The answer to that question took five years for me to process.

I refused the standard chemotherapy and radiation treatments recommended by my oncologist and dedicated myself to healing physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually through natural means. I experimented with a 100% raw vegan diet, meditated, learned EFT, colonics, read books on healing, etc. I knew that I did not want to merely exist in this world, I needed to learn to truly live or I would simply "let go" of this life.

A year ago I had to make a decision, life or die. My body started shutting down, the cancer had infiltrated several of my organs and spread throughout my lymphatic system. the time had come to LIVE. I took time off from work (I am so blessed that my Dad is my boss!) and I've spent the past year experiencing life anad exploring what it means to live.

Now I work part-time and am determined to continue the next phase of my life journey. Through this blog I hope to gain the focus I need to start my own Happiness Project, heal my cancer, be the best doggie mommy I can be, and write my first novel. I am grateful for each day and know that "existing's tricky: but to live's a gift." Namaste